PMS
by Dynetyven
Summary: Hunter's guide on how to cope with PMS. Its aLL CRACK.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: John's voice as the narrator. Keep in mind this is only a crack story, not meant to offend anyone.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Supernatural. This is only for entertainment and not for profit.

_For those sensitive days, that time of the month._

Sam is sitting in a hotel room, foot rocking in a fast beat as you can tell he is pissed.

Dean walks in to a hotel room, carrying a cake in one hand and a gift in the other. Sam lightens up and smiles.

"Aw, you really shouldn't have Dean."

He starts to unpack, it's a swift blade knife, and there is engraving on it. Sam's read it and slowly turns red and his slips are pressed hard together.

"Thank you, for the 9 months on the road, NINE? What you can't count or do you just don't care? It has been 10 months now Dean!" Sam voices reaches a high pitch," is it that you just couldn't be bothered to get it right?" Sam takes in a deep breath and continues.

"And another thing I hate the way you chew your food with your mouth open like some kind of a barn animal. I hate you, I hate you." Sam slaps Dean repeatedly on the shoulder.

Dean looks all freaked out.

"I just can't seem to get anything right. Boy could I use some help." He holds up his hand and magically a guide appears in it, a hunter's guide to PMS on the road.

_For those special times in the month you need the special hunters guide to PMS system, highly trained hunters counselors will talk to you, in the ever most irrational argument. For only 300 dollars a year you will receive this transmitter that will fit snugly in your ear that keeps you in touch with PMS central 24 hours a day._

Dean takes the earplug, and puts it into his ear.

"Help my brother has PMS and I don't know what to do?"

Bobby answers the phone.

"Don't worry I'm right here with you."

Sam starts to cry.

"God you're so insensitive. Why can't you be more thoughtful?"

"Hey gives me a br…"

"Stop!" Bobby's voice is very demanding. "Stop right there, simply apologize."

Dean grabs his faces with both hands to try and stay calm.

"Okay listen Sammy, uh um I mean Sam. I'm sorry Sam, you're right. I was an ass. I'll try to … erhm… grow tomorrow."

Sam sniffles and wipes his eyes.

"Tell him you love him."

"Uh Sam, I really… I love you dude."

"Chick flick moment?" Sam looks unreadable

"Yeah you looked like you needed it."

Sam pulls Dean into a hug, and Dean sighs thinking it's all over sighting deeply. Sam goes into frenzy, his arms all over himself as if to push Dean's scent of him.

"Yeah THAT IT'S, that breathing thing again, in and out, in and out; GOD YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!"

Dean looks terrified.

An alarm goes off inside Dean's ear.

"He is already in an irrational-level 7. This is a code red, don't say a word; just get him some pain reliever!"

Sam screams in the background.

"This place is just making me feel even cheaper. Blah, blah, blah."

Dean runs to the duffel bag in the bathroom, turning everything on to find the plastic bottle. It's empty! Dean is freaked out. Knowing all too well what comes next; Sam continues.

"Can't you tell your sucking out all the air in HERE?" Sam throws the pillows all over the room.

"The bottle is empty; fuck man, why couldn't this be a demon?"

"Get out of the hotel room, I repeat, get out of the hotel room now!"

"I can't, I'm trapped in the bathroom." Dean's voice is stressed.

"Is there a window?"

"Yeah! But its five floors up!"

"Go for it!"

Dean yanks the window open and throws himself through it.

_The hunters PMS system: because no one should go through these times alone._

Hard knocks are heard in the empty toilet. The door opens and Sam runs over to the window shouting after Dean.

"Hey, are you trying to avoid me or what?"

THE HUNTERS PMS SYSTEM!


	2. Chapter 2

**N/A: **This is the sequel to PMS, and it hasn't moved up to serious, so yes its still crack! John is still narrator.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Supernatural, its all for fun.

* * *

Sam and Dean sit in a couch, holding hands as they look forward towards a stranger with his back to the scene. Dean lets go of Sam's hands and puts it around his shoulder and pulls him closer. They look at each other smiling, Sam places his hand on Dean's knee.

"We share everything, and we are very close, but there is just a few days each month where I feel left out" Dean continues. "So we found something so now I don't feel left out."

"Yeah every 28 day or so Dean just was left out, and he didn't get the full emotion deal on our trips." Sam looks at Dean and smiles.

Dean takes his arm to him as Sam leans back and Dean leans forward.

"I found this pill, which gives me the full benefit of going through the emotions with Sammy," Dean's voice starts to tremble. "I feel bloated, Sammy do I look fat?"

Sam looks at Dean and smiles, offers Dean some ice-cream. Dean shrieks.

"I am so fat, I can't stand you, and how can you even care about me? I'm so ugly!" Sam looks at Dean, a little petrified. Dean continues, "It's like you… uh is that ice-cream with dough?"

Sam nods, and look at the stranger in front of them, Bobby turn around with a small blue and white box in his hand,

"_Monthly man, for those, who doesn't know any better."_


	3. Couples Therapy

**A/N: **Sam and Dean reaches out for help.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own supernatural or Mrs & Mr Smith.

* * *

"So you didn't have to come?" Bobby's voice sounds as if he is in front of Sam and Dean.

"Right!" Dean nods to Bobby while nervously looking at Sam from time to time.

"We have a theory." Sam smiles as he smiles to Dean, reassuring that all is fine.

"We do?" Dean looks surprised at Sam.

"The oil-check." Dean looks relieved as he nods again.

"Right, the oil-check. See we have been on the road for 12 months..." Dean continues before he is interrupted by Sam.

"13 months!" Sam cuts in.

"Right 12 or 13 months and this is like a check up for us. Pop the hood, nose around, change the oil, maybe replace a seal or two." Dean smiles as he makes sure to not look at Sam.

"On a scale of one to ten how happy are you as brothers?" Bobby asks as he is observing the Winchesters.

"8" Sam utters, before Dean cuts in.

"Wait, could you clarify? Is ten the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being miserable or.."

"Just respond instinctively," Bobby writes notes on a block.

"Okay ready?" Dean looks at Sam.

"Ready." Dean mutters as he looks at his hands.

"8" Both Dean and Sam replies. Sam looks at Dean, as Dean avoids to look at Sam. Clearly there is something between them. The wrong engravings have not been forgotten yet.

"There is this huge thing between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we "don't" say to each other. What's that called?" Sam sighs and just looks pleading at Bobby. Its clear he wants an answer that is more than just rhetorical.

"How often do you hunt?" The question makes both tense up. As they look at each other, before looking forward towards Bobby.

"I don't understand the question?" Dean moves slightly forward in the chair as he has his hands folded between his legs. As he looks at Bobby for some kind of hint.

"Wait. Okay I am lost. Is this a one to ten question?" Sam looks weirded out on Bobby, as if he asked something outrageous. However its quiet for a few seconds.

Dean coughs as he continues.

"Right. I mean, because if it is, does "one" equal "not much" or is "one" like, nothing?" Dean looks at Sam who nods at his question, before he continues. " because strictly speaking zero should be nothing."

"Because if we don't know what one is, whats ten?" Sam looks at Dean, who picks up the ball.

"Right... Is ten... you know..." Dean looks at Bobby.

"Constant... Unrelenting..." Sam looks out of the window, not sure if he even wants to know the answer anymore.

"... twenty-four-seven... without a break. For anything?" Dean is on a roll as he can see that Sam isn't getting worked up over it.

"Not even eat?"

"Like Sting?"

"Exactly, Look at Sting's day job. Who else have sixty hours a week to put aside in the sack?" dean looks at Sam. Both look at Bobby, who is slightly weirded out.

"This is not a one to ten scenario. It's a straight question. How often do you hunt?"

Sam and Dean sit there, frozen as the question sinks in.

* * *

"Describe how you two went back on the road again."

"It was back at Standford University" Sam starts.

"12 months ago." Dean chips in.

"13." Sam corrects Dean.

"Right 12 or 13 months ago." Dean sighs.

* * *

"So I went and got Sammy, find our dad didn't work out. So on our way back to Sam, I held in at a bar. The tender was hot. She raelly liked me, but of course Sammy was being a bitch."

"Stop calling me Sammy, it still sounds like a chubby teenager!"

"So I was hitting on the tender, and Sam was pouting in the corner, all about how he had to go home for an interview."

"I wasn't pouting. Please at least tell the story as it happened."

"Right, no pouting. So I managed to get the tender into motel room, and Samm... I mean Sam was there with his laptop, killing the mood."

"I wasn't killing the mood, you were all over her. It was disgusting. Serious dude, I was in the same room!"

"So I was used to being alone. Anyway I got the babe into bed when I saw..."

Sam starts to chuckle as his shoulders shivers from laughter. He wipes his eyes and just looks away while biting his fist not to burst out laughing.

"What did you see Dean?"

Dean looks pale, while Sam is looking away amused by the situation. He finally pokes Dean, but Dean doesn't answer.

"He found out that the girl wasn't a girl, but a man." Sam can barely utter it without laughing. Suddenly the tears are there, not from sorrow but the memory of Dean's face when he found out.

"It was even worse than that bartender in Sacramento. I swear I didn't see it coming." Deans voice is tormented. Yet even Bobby cant find a straight face.

* * *

Dean is alone with Bobby.

"So what do you think the problem is?"

"I love my brother, and I love the life on the road. I love my car, I'd die for my car. But..."

"But what? But if you had to put a finger on it, what would you say it was the first thing that you liked about Sam?"

"He was my little brother. I was responsible for him. I couldn't wait to play soccer with him. I always protected him. Even when I just wanted to..." Dean makes the move of breaking a neck.

* * *

Sam is alone with Bobby.

"So what do you think the problem is?"

"I think that Dean takes me for granted. I mean he shows up in my house, and demands that I leave with him. Then the hunt, which was just so pathetic. Anyway Dean never thinks about me, its always his way or the guns way. I mean he is actually like a mini John. Its driving me insane!"

* * *

Two weeks later, both Dean and Sam are at Bobby's again.

"So I am pleased to see you back here as brothers."

Bobby leans back as he folds his hands and look at the brothers.

"I'm interested to hear what progress you have made, if any, over the past two weeks."

"Well, I think we have made a little progress, right Sam?"

"I¨d say so..."

"I cant speak for Sammy, but I feel like we have gotten to learn each other over again, our good points our bad points..."

"Our really bad points..."

"Right. I mean its early but I'd say we brought a whole new level of honesty to our relationship."

"We realized we were depriving each other of who we really are."

"I feel free for the first time since we hooked up again. I feel like there's... there's..."

"... room for us to grow, to become more like us rather than shrinking into some idea of who we should be."

"You know, a lot of families I meet, the biggest block is trust." Bobby nods and keeps writing notes.

"You know that is so true." Sam leans closer as he agrees whole heartedly.

"It seems you've refound that trust in your hearts. Like brothers of course."

"Of course." Both Sam and Dean says.

"Dean, Sam, I'm pleased with you. What you've discovered is very special. So on a scale from one to ten, how happy would you say you are now?"

Both Sam and Dean smiles to Bobby.

"Ten."

"Ten."

* * *

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